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You’re Not Fighting About the Dishes

You know the fight. It starts small, dishes in the sink, a short text back, someone forgetting something. Ten minutes later you’re not talking about dishes anymore. You’re talking about whether you matter to each other at all.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not a bad couple. You’re a completely normal one. Almost every fight I sit in on in my office has the same shape: two people who care about each other, stuck in a pattern neither of them chose on purpose.

Here’s the part most couples don’t realize: the actual topic almost never matters. What matters is the pattern underneath it. One person reaches for connection by getting louder. The other reaches for safety by going quiet. Both are just trying to protect the relationship, but from the outside, it looks like attack and retreat.

Why talking it out doesn’t always help

You’ve probably tried to just talk about it. Sometimes that works. But if you’re in the same fight on a loop, more talking usually means more of the same pattern, just with different words. What actually shifts things is seeing the pattern itself, in real time, together.

What tends to actually help

  • Naming the pattern, not the topic. “We’re doing the pursue-withdraw thing again” lands very differently than re-litigating who forgot what.
  • Finding the feeling under the complaint. “You never listen” is usually covering something softer, like feeling unimportant. That’s a very different conversation.
  • Slowing down enough to actually hear each other. Most couples aren’t bad communicators, they’re just both talking from a state of alarm. Nobody can really hear anything from there.
  • Rebuilding trust in small, repeatable moments. Not one big breakthrough, small moments of showing up for each other, over and over, until they add up.

You don’t need to be in crisis to come in

A lot of couples wait until things feel unfixable before reaching out. You don’t have to wait for that. Some of the most useful work happens when a relationship is fine but stuck, when you love each other and still keep landing in the same argument.

If you’re tired of having the same fight in different outfits, I’d love to help you and your partner find a different way through it.

Picture of Dr Susan Keefer

Dr Susan Keefer

I hold a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, giving me a deep understanding of how thoughts, emotions, and relationships shape our experiences. My work focuses on helping clients break through limiting patterns, not just by exploring the past, but by building a future that feels fulfilling and aligned.
For over 20 years, I’ve integrated mind-body practices into my work as both a therapist and yoga practitioner. I’ve seen firsthand how movement, mindfulness, and even the smallest shifts in daily habits can create powerful transformations in mental well-being.
When I’m not working with clients, you’ll find me running or cycling through Central Park, deep in a book (or a crossword puzzle), or practicing yoga and meditation. Exploration—of places, ideas, and possibilities-keeps me grounded.